


Whatever Mark Crusaders

by AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic



Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Crack, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-29
Updated: 2012-06-29
Packaged: 2017-11-08 20:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic/pseuds/AccidentallyTheWholeFanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle  keep trying for their Cutie Marks following the events of Bump Bump, Sugar Lump Rump. But Sweetie thinks maybe they care a bit TOO much. Is playing it cool the key?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever Mark Crusaders

The quiet, still spring night was rustled by a breeze whispering through Ponyville. It played across the sleeping Twist's frizzy red mane, ruffling it gently.

"She appears in a storm of cherry blossoms and leaves with the shadows..."

Twist stirred, and snorted.

"She knows no mercy, for she knows not of the soul..."

Blinking groggily, Twist sat up and yawned, her ears twitching. She reached for her glasses and squinted as she put them on.

"The lonely road of the assassin."

"Thomepony there?" Twist mumbled, rubbing her eyes. "I've got thome candy if you're hungry."

"Candy won't save you now!" the raspy voice hissed, and a shadowy figure shot at Twist from the far corner of her ceiling. Her voice rising, the figure bellowed, " _Cutie Mark Crusaders Assassi-"_

**WHAM**

Twist clicked on her light and looked curiously at the black-clad foal currently trying to pull her foreleg from a hole she'd made upon impacting the wall.

Twist giggled. "Heyyyy, Thcootaloo! I didn't know you wanted a thleepover!" Clapping her hooves together happily, she danced about in her bed. "I would've made thome candy for you! You like Th'moreth?"

"Silence wretch!" Scootaloo grunted, her hoof finally popping free of the hole. She tumbled backward onto the floor, growling. "I've come to take your life!"

"Thomepony'th craaankyyyy!" Twist sang, sliding out of bed and trotting over to Scootaloo. Looking down at the orange filly, she blinked. "Ith that a piano wire?"

Scootaloo rolled her eyes and sighed.

_ \------------------------ _

"...And now I have a yeast infection," Scootaloo finished angrily.

Sweetie Belle mumbled a distracted "Uh-huh" as she continued constructing the bomb for her terrorism Cutie Mark. A large book lay open upon the kitchen table, showing detailed illustrations and instructions.

"Now Pinkie thinks I'm baking donuts in my-"

"Rats!" Sweetie Belle interrupted. "I've been using the wrong diagram. These are  _timed_  explosives! I wanted  _remote_!" Smacking the book with her hoof, she muttered, "Dumb fabric".

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity's voice called from the Carousel Boutique's showroom. "You had better not be constructing another bomb in there!"

"But  _Rarity-_ "

" _No._ "

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Sororicide-"

" _No._ "

Sweetie Belle yelled wordlessly, storming upstairs. Scootaloo followed her, neither filly paying any mind as Opalescence began to bat at the loose wires hanging over the edge of the kitchen table.

"Why did I even  _borrow_  that stupid book from Fluttershy in the first place if Rarity's not gonna let me use it?" Sweetie Belle ranted moments later, pacing back and forth in her bedroom. "Rape? Noooo! Proctology? Nooooo! Unicorn poaching?  _Noooo_! It's like she doesn't even  _want_  me to get my Cutie Mark!"

"Too bad Apple Bloom's on probation," Scootaloo added. "I bet  _she'd_  have an idea!"

Sweetie Belle's pacing slowed gradually, until she was staring at Scootaloo with reverence.

"'Doesn't even  _want_ me to get my Cutie Mark'...  _Scootaloo_! You're a genius!"

"Well, you're a whore!" Scootaloo shot back, stung.

"Nononono, it's a  _good_  word!" Sweetie Belle assured her. "You've just given me a great idea!"

"Go on..."

_ \------------------------ _

A fine, smoky mist hung in the air behind the Ponyville Pharmacy. Scootaloo was resting on her haunches, a lit cigarette dangling from her lips. Her eyes were hidden behind dark glasses. Sweetie Belle took a hit from a bottle of Colt 45.

"Anything yet, Scoot?"

Scootaloo lowered her sunglasses and lazily eyed Sweetie Belle's flank. "Nah. Me?"

"Zero."

"This idea sucks, Sweetie Belle. It wasn't even mine!"

Sweetie Belle sighed and finished her liquor. "Okay, so you were  _there_  when I had the idea. Maybe we're just not supposed to check every five minutes?"

"Yeah, maybe. What does a Cutie Mark for 'ironic apathy' even  _look_  like?"

"Guess we'll just have to wait and see." The young unicorn scowled. "Maybe we're playing it  _too_  cool?"

"DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!" Scootaloo bolted upright and jabbed Sweetie in the chest with her hoof, her inner Rainbow Dash fangirl rage boiling over. "You can  _never_  be too cool! EVER!  _Got it?"_ As if to drive her point home, the young pegasus put her cigarette out on Sweetie's horn.

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

A few seconds passed.

"...So..."

"Still blank, Sweets."

" _Geez!_ " Then, something caught the unicorn's eye. She smiled. "But...  _you're_  not...!"

_ \------------------------ _

"Zecora!" Apple Bloom whined, watching the zebra nonchalantly filing her hooves. "How the hay am Ah supposed ta thatch the roof? The grass keeps fallin' through the framework!"

"You're the construction prodigy, I'm sure you'll find a way," Zecora murmured, not looking up. "Keep whining, and it will come out of your pay."

"But you ain't even payin' me! It's community service!"

"Your chatter betrays an idle hoof. Now hurry and fix my fucking roof."

"AAAAAAAAAAPPLE BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

The excited shrieks of the two fillies rang throughout the charred remains of the Everfree Forest, their thundering hooves kicking up clouds of Ash. Zecora coughed, and regarded Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo with bemusement.

"What is with all this shouting and screaming, while I give your friend a deserved verbal reaming?"

Scootaloo hovered in the air, her wings buzzing audibly. "Two down, one to go, baby!"

"You  _didn't!_ " Apple Bloom yelped, her eyes sparkling.

Scootaloo's orange flank now bore an enraged, screaming face.

"Does it talk?"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK, YOU MORON? IT'S A FUCKING CUTIE MARK!" Scootaloo screamed, slapping Apple Bloom. "Whoa, sorry about that! I'm still getting used to it. Twilight says I might have to take medication to manage it now. Egghead bitch..."

Apple Bloom rubbed her bruised cheek. "Awesome!"

Zecora sighed, watching the felonious filly drop her construction duties in order to frolic joyously with her friends. She'd never get her damn hut back at this rate.

_ \------------------------ _

"I don't even know  _why_  you're writing to the Princess about this!" Spike complained, holding the quill in his aching claw. "You don't even have to write all the letters yourself now! You barely had anything to do with it!"

"That's just it, Spike!" Twilight told him. "Isn't it  _obvious?_ "

"...No."

The purple unicorn sighed and shook her head, a patronizing smile on her face. "Of course not..."

_Dear Princess Celestia,_

_Today, I learned that a seemingly unrelated chain of events can have a huge impact on you in the end. It can even shape your destiny!_

_Your Faithful Student,_

_Twilight Sparkle_

"Didn't we already learn something like this?" Spike griped, sending the letter. "And didn't it actually  _involve_ friendship that time?"

"MY LETTERS ARE PERFECT, SPIKE. GO TO HELL!"

"Yeah, yeah..." Spike sighed. Grunting and stretching, he reached behind his back and ripped off the sign that Scootaloo had left taped to his back. " _Butt Monkey_. You got that right..."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not AS happy with the end result as BBSLR, but up it goes.


End file.
